"Everybody wants a reason for everything. It’s so much easier with someone or something to blame. I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem. Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense? I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy. I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason. I guess that’s why I’ve always turned to writing it down. Not just in stories, but the letters in between. & I guess that’s why it haunts the pages of everything—to self-examine. I think the thing is that I shut off from everything. From friends and family and my own ambitions. From having fun. I just shut off from everything. Self-defeating? Yeah, probably. But I don’t know that I had total control over it. & I’m not sure it even matters why. Sometimes things happen and you can’t do anything. Plus, I’m the only one who deals with it anyway. So if everyone could do me a favor andd just put their fingers down I’d—and keep your mouths— Sorry. I know I seem angry. I’m not, I… I promise. I just know I did this to me. And I will deal with it accordingly. And I don’t need opinions from those never a part of it. Don’t need them pointing out my problems, they’re mine. Don’t need reminders I know better than anyone. And yeah, I know, I should be finding another way. I know that I should be out seeking a substitute. But just forgetting never really made sense to me. So I haven’t been. Do I feel embarrassed about it? I think you know the answer to that. I think you’d probably feel a little bit embarrassed for me, wouldn’t you? I know I should’ve moved on ages ago, been happy already, but it’s never been that easy for me. Or maybe it was me that made it so hard. I know I’ve only ever tried a handful of times to sever this thing torturing me. It never got me anywhere, with anyone. No friendship or hobby, no lover’s bed worked. But looking back I Maybe never tried hard enough, and it is my fault. Maybe I never tried at all."
"I swear I’ve been here before, there’s a war in my heart,
Inside my chest is a thorn it’s been torn from the start,
The picture painted is warped, the hearts aching and scarred,
Music’s the band-aid I’m too afraid to take this shit off
Another drink at the bar but I’m not drunk enough,
Each shot burns less but the chest isn’t numbin up,
A voice keeps talkin’ in my head and I’m a fuck him up,"
"The Rays crossed and recrossed, making exquisite patterns of such beauty that they left me breathless…Then suddenly, my consciousness was lighted up from within and I saw in a vivid way how the whole universe was made up of particles of material which, no matter how dull and lifeless they might seem, were nevertheless filled with this intense and vital beauty. For a second or two the whole world appeared as a blaze of glory. When it died down, it left me with something I have never forgotten and which constantly reminds of the beauty locked up in every minute of material around us."
"Most men and women lead lives at the worst so painful, at the best so monotonous, poor and limited that urge to escape, the longing to transcend themselves if only for a few moments, is and always has been one of the principle appetites of the soul."
"We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feeling, insights, fancies - all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes."
"I really do think he’s the most stimulating boy I’ve ever known, and I don’t care much about anybody else. I suppose I might be conservative and say that I adore him and worship his intellect and keen perceptions in almost every field."
"I wouldn’t mind so much if I felt I was learning anything, or writing or drawing something worthwhile… When there is no one around to make you feel wanted and appreciated, it’s sort of easy to talk yourself into feeling worthless."